I don't need anyones help. (Her) Part, 1

"No, it's okay I'm fine. I don't need your help." She says trying to stand back up.

"No, let me help you." He says running to her side.

"I don't need your help." She says sternly still trying to get up.

He grabs her arm and tries to help her up.

"I said I don't need your help I'm fine!" She moves out of his grasp.

"Why won't you let me help you?" He asks wearing a concerned expression on his face.

She walks away anger rising inside of her.
'He doesn't know me' she thinks
'No one knows me. I've needed help before but no one was ever there. I am the only one how is there for me'

She secretly wishes he would run after her like in the movies. She was already too far ahead. He was calling after her and followed her for a short distance, she never noticed. She is stuck in her way of thinking, of feeling sorry for herself. If she won't open up how can she be truly and fully loved? She goes back home to her one bedroom apartment and cries.  Cries for she doesn't know how to let love in. She ignores his calls and his texts. Another under the spell of her. The girl who seems so light-hearted and endearing. Her promises of staying get broken again as she runs away, further than ever before.  This time not only in her mind but in real life.

Letter to God: Hear me

Dear, God

Why have you burdened me with these feelings of depression and anxiety? I feel so far from you in these states and I cry out to you but I don't get a response. I sometimes think if you're even real. If I'm making up these feelings in my head. How do I know lord? The world is crazy and messed up and so am I. How can I be sure what I think and what I know is even correct? Can I ever be sure? Lord, this overthinking haunts my dreams. I pray to be relieved of it. Lord, I cry out because I need a cry out from you. You saved me from my sins Jesus. I need your peace and comfort right now and always. I can't hold these burdens upon my shoulders but I don't know how to give them to you Lord. I want to hold on to them. I want to hold on to my past. Lord, I need your help to let go of these feelings the devil brings upon me. Hear my cries Lord.

                                                           In Jesus name, Amen.

I Can't Explain it.

What do I even write...
How do I even put this into words...
I don't know how to explain it...
How do you explain this feeling to someone who has never experienced it before?
Depression...
Now that's a big word.
I'm not sad.
I'm depressed.
That topic gave me anxiety.
Oh, look another big word.
Anxiety.
Now how do I explain that?
I'm not scared.
I have anxiety.
I don't think I could explain it ever.
The urge to want to cut my wrists but I can't because I have anxiety about dying.
Not wanting to leave my bed but not wanting to have to call in sick to work because it gives me anxiety.
Depression isn't sadness. 
I think its much more than that.
Anxiety isn't fear.
I think it's much more than that.
I wish I could explain it.

I think I want to like you?

Dear, Hot Single Worship Leader

I care about you. A lot. I care about many people a lot. I think I might have romantic feelings for you. I am not sure if I do. You are funny, attractive, smart, strong, musical, silly, and just amazing. You have a relationship with God. That's so important to me. You check off all the things on my "Husband Material" list. You would be perfect. I think? People are warning you about me, as I am told. Not sure exactly why? My age? My past relationship? Me being into older guys? The 7 year age difference? I don't know! I guess there are many things people could be warning you about. I'm not a good Christian girl.  I am now, but that doesn't change my past. I guess my past is going to be an issue for some people. You don't seem to act like it is. Then again you are being "warned" about me. 

Sometimes I think you like me. Your just a flirtatious person, as am I. Was it weird when I touched your arm when I was teaching you piano? Did you even notice? Am I just over thinking again? You are going through a lot. That's why I am posting this on my blog. You will never read it unless I give you the website. Which I highly doubt that I will. I think I want to like you because you seem so perfect. Or I want you to like me? Overthinking is killing me! I can't tell you any of this because I would have such bad anxiety if I even tried. I like you as a person. Which I have already told you. You don't take compliments very well. I feel like me posting this is risky. Then again if this goes south I can move away again, Right? I'm fantastic at running away. I hate feelings... I don't like them one bit. This is too confusing for me and it's stressing me out. At least you are taking my brain away from other stress. Maybe this is best. Blah! I want to be better friends with you. If anything I want that. I want to know you. I like knowing people. Well, its 2:33AM now so I should sleep. See you tomorrow morning worship leader. ;) 

                              

                                                        Sincerely, 

                                                                                S.G

               

Letter to God: Unworthy

I'm unworthy, Of lots. I'm not a good Christian girl. I have had sex, I have been drunk, I have done drugs. I am unworthy of your love. I'm home now and I again feel far away. I want to be better. My past crosses my mind. I'm unworthy of anyone's love. Let alone your love God. I wanted to leave you. It was a choice to leave and I did.

I am unworthy, and yet you still love me. You loved the people that were killing you. Jesus, you prayed over them. If anyone was not to receive your love it would be them. Yet, you love murderers, rapists, Satanists. The people that worship satan. You love them, and they don't even know. I am unworthy, and I'm a child of the God of everlasting love. All you ask for is my love. You ask to be followed, and im finally ready to follow you. I'm sorry for my sins, and I am asking for forgiveness. It would be an honor to die in your name.

Why?

Why do I still hate myself so much? My life is great but I still find ways to make myself feel horrible. I can't do anything right. Nothing at all. I can't make myself love myself. I love so much but I can't love myself. I am the only one with faults in my mind. Everyone else can make mistakes. I can't because then i hate myself.

Goodbye again.

Goodbye again. I tell myself as if sleep will bring me any peace. My dreams are of him hovering over me violating my body as I am helpless. I grab the knife as if this time I will actually do it. My tears make my head hurt as I grow weary. I lay down again as my eyes drift close. Sleep will let me escape. If only I could escape. My tears start to burn my cheeks and my head throbs. The blood I bleed is not my fault. Oh, how I wish it was. I wish I would dig the knife deep into my skin and bleed and hurt somewhere else. Think about something else. Someone else. He has taken my sanity. He has taken my security. He has taken my sanctuary.  I no longer feel as if I own my own body. He took away any say that I would have over it. I did say. I said "No." I said, "I don't want to". My words meant nothing to him. As he laughed and brought me back to him. I grow weary once again. My feelings out on paper. Goodbye once again. Till the new day begins.