Sunday 23 September 2018

I think I want to like you?

Dear, Hot Single Worship Leader

I care about you. A lot. I care about many people a lot. I think I might have romantic feelings for you. I am not sure if I do. You are funny, attractive, smart, strong, musical, silly, and just amazing. You have a relationship with God. That's so important to me. You check off all the things on my "Husband Material" list. You would be perfect. I think? People are warning you about me, as I am told. Not sure exactly why? My age? My past relationship? Me being into older guys? The 7 year age difference? I don't know! I guess there are many things people could be warning you about. I'm not a good Christian girl.  I am now, but that doesn't change my past. I guess my past is going to be an issue for some people. You don't seem to act like it is. Then again you are being "warned" about me. 

Sometimes I think you like me. Your just a flirtatious person, as am I. Was it weird when I touched your arm when I was teaching you piano? Did you even notice? Am I just over thinking again? You are going through a lot. That's why I am posting this on my blog. You will never read it unless I give you the website. Which I highly doubt that I will. I think I want to like you because you seem so perfect. Or I want you to like me? Overthinking is killing me! I can't tell you any of this because I would have such bad anxiety if I even tried. I like you as a person. Which I have already told you. You don't take compliments very well. I feel like me posting this is risky. Then again if this goes south I can move away again, Right? I'm fantastic at running away. I hate feelings... I don't like them one bit. This is too confusing for me and it's stressing me out. At least you are taking my brain away from other stress. Maybe this is best. Blah! I want to be better friends with you. If anything I want that. I want to know you. I like knowing people. Well, its 2:33AM now so I should sleep. See you tomorrow morning worship leader. ;) 

                              
                                                        Sincerely, 
                                                                                S.G
               

Wednesday 12 September 2018

Letter to God: Unworthy

I'm unworthy, Of lots. I'm not a good Christian girl. I have had sex, I have been drunk, I have done drugs. I am unworthy of your love. I'm home now and I again feel far away. I want to be better. My past crosses my mind. I'm unworthy of anyone's love. Let alone your love God. I wanted to leave you. It was a choice to leave and I did.

I am unworthy, and yet you still love me. You loved the people that were killing you. Jesus, you prayed over them. If anyone was not to receive your love it would be them. Yet, you love murderers, rapists, Satanists. The people that worship satan. You love them, and they don't even know. I am unworthy, and I'm a child of the God of everlasting love. All you ask for is my love. You ask to be followed, and im finally ready to follow you. I'm sorry for my sins, and I am asking for forgiveness. It would be an honor to die in your name.

Why?

Why do I still hate myself so much? My life is great but I still find ways to make myself feel horrible. I can't do anything right. Nothing at all. I can't make myself love myself. I love so much but I can't love myself. I am the only one with faults in my mind. Everyone else can make mistakes. I can't because then i hate myself.