Letter to God: Hear me

Dear, God

Why have you burdened me with these feelings of depression and anxiety? I feel so far from you in these states and I cry out to you but I don't get a response. I sometimes think if you're even real. If I'm making up these feelings in my head. How do I know lord? The world is crazy and messed up and so am I. How can I be sure what I think and what I know is even correct? Can I ever be sure? Lord, this overthinking haunts my dreams. I pray to be relieved of it. Lord, I cry out because I need a cry out from you. You saved me from my sins Jesus. I need your peace and comfort right now and always. I can't hold these burdens upon my shoulders but I don't know how to give them to you Lord. I want to hold on to them. I want to hold on to my past. Lord, I need your help to let go of these feelings the devil brings upon me. Hear my cries Lord.

                                                           In Jesus name, Amen.

I Can't Explain it.

What do I even write...
How do I even put this into words...
I don't know how to explain it...
How do you explain this feeling to someone who has never experienced it before?
Depression...
Now that's a big word.
I'm not sad.
I'm depressed.
That topic gave me anxiety.
Oh, look another big word.
Anxiety.
Now how do I explain that?
I'm not scared.
I have anxiety.
I don't think I could explain it ever.
The urge to want to cut my wrists but I can't because I have anxiety about dying.
Not wanting to leave my bed but not wanting to have to call in sick to work because it gives me anxiety.
Depression isn't sadness. 
I think its much more than that.
Anxiety isn't fear.
I think it's much more than that.
I wish I could explain it.

I think I want to like you?

Dear, Hot Single Worship Leader

I care about you. A lot. I care about many people a lot. I think I might have romantic feelings for you. I am not sure if I do. You are funny, attractive, smart, strong, musical, silly, and just amazing. You have a relationship with God. That's so important to me. You check off all the things on my "Husband Material" list. You would be perfect. I think? People are warning you about me, as I am told. Not sure exactly why? My age? My past relationship? Me being into older guys? The 7 year age difference? I don't know! I guess there are many things people could be warning you about. I'm not a good Christian girl.  I am now, but that doesn't change my past. I guess my past is going to be an issue for some people. You don't seem to act like it is. Then again you are being "warned" about me. 

Sometimes I think you like me. Your just a flirtatious person, as am I. Was it weird when I touched your arm when I was teaching you piano? Did you even notice? Am I just over thinking again? You are going through a lot. That's why I am posting this on my blog. You will never read it unless I give you the website. Which I highly doubt that I will. I think I want to like you because you seem so perfect. Or I want you to like me? Overthinking is killing me! I can't tell you any of this because I would have such bad anxiety if I even tried. I like you as a person. Which I have already told you. You don't take compliments very well. I feel like me posting this is risky. Then again if this goes south I can move away again, Right? I'm fantastic at running away. I hate feelings... I don't like them one bit. This is too confusing for me and it's stressing me out. At least you are taking my brain away from other stress. Maybe this is best. Blah! I want to be better friends with you. If anything I want that. I want to know you. I like knowing people. Well, its 2:33AM now so I should sleep. See you tomorrow morning worship leader. ;) 

                              

                                                        Sincerely, 

                                                                                S.G

               

Letter to God: Unworthy

I'm unworthy, Of lots. I'm not a good Christian girl. I have had sex, I have been drunk, I have done drugs. I am unworthy of your love. I'm home now and I again feel far away. I want to be better. My past crosses my mind. I'm unworthy of anyone's love. Let alone your love God. I wanted to leave you. It was a choice to leave and I did.

I am unworthy, and yet you still love me. You loved the people that were killing you. Jesus, you prayed over them. If anyone was not to receive your love it would be them. Yet, you love murderers, rapists, Satanists. The people that worship satan. You love them, and they don't even know. I am unworthy, and I'm a child of the God of everlasting love. All you ask for is my love. You ask to be followed, and im finally ready to follow you. I'm sorry for my sins, and I am asking for forgiveness. It would be an honor to die in your name.

Why?

Why do I still hate myself so much? My life is great but I still find ways to make myself feel horrible. I can't do anything right. Nothing at all. I can't make myself love myself. I love so much but I can't love myself. I am the only one with faults in my mind. Everyone else can make mistakes. I can't because then i hate myself.

Goodbye again.

Goodbye again. I tell myself as if sleep will bring me any peace. My dreams are of him hovering over me violating my body as I am helpless. I grab the knife as if this time I will actually do it. My tears make my head hurt as I grow weary. I lay down again as my eyes drift close. Sleep will let me escape. If only I could escape. My tears start to burn my cheeks and my head throbs. The blood I bleed is not my fault. Oh, how I wish it was. I wish I would dig the knife deep into my skin and bleed and hurt somewhere else. Think about something else. Someone else. He has taken my sanity. He has taken my security. He has taken my sanctuary.  I no longer feel as if I own my own body. He took away any say that I would have over it. I did say. I said "No." I said, "I don't want to". My words meant nothing to him. As he laughed and brought me back to him. I grow weary once again. My feelings out on paper. Goodbye once again. Till the new day begins.

I was raped.

I was raped. I was thinking sexual thoughts about my boyfriend. When I thought about making love to him I flashed back to the rapist on top of me. My legs unable to move as he tried to force his penis inside of me. Then sticking his fingers inside of me as I am helpless and unable to move. I remember thinking let's just get this over with. So I told him to move and I put my legs in the air. He tried again. I got up and said, "I don't want too." He left my head a mess. I didn't let it get violent. I was drunk and high. I knew I couldn't defend myself. I have spiraled into a deep depression. For weeks. I hardly leave my apartment. I have become suicidal. Very suicidal. Every night I think about dying. I don't want to talk to anyone about it. It's embarrassing. It wasn't my fault. I didn't want it. I said I didn't want to.

How I'm feeling...

"You can only be happy if you love yourself." Well shit, I'm fucked then eh? I don't hate myself. Or do I? Honestly, I don't know. I love my personality. I think I'm great.  Sometimes? If I met someone exactly like me I would love them so much. Then again I do hate myself, and I want to kill myself. I think its the mental issues. Maybe? Where do the mental issues stop and I start? Who am I? I thought I knew. Or did I? All that is in my brain is questions. Why did I do that? Why did I say that? Why am I like this? Why doesn't anyone love me? People do love me. I think? I could convince myself very easily that no one loves me. Make it easier to die. Make it easier too not care. I don't want to burden anyone. My issues shouldn't burden anyone else but myself. 

Maybe its the people I let in my life making me feel as if I can't have feelings? no, I never liked feelings. Or did I? I have feelings, that is all I know. 

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. That is true. Some people are just better looking than others
and more people find them attractive. Being a girl and having guy friends,
you hear them talk about other girls that you know and they say that they are really cute or beautiful or sexy. Its kinda like a big fuck you to the girl you're talking to. Yes, I see that she pretty.
I know she's prettier than me.

I have self-esteem issues and when I hear that sort of thing I feel bad about my looks.
I recently was in a relationship that made me question my beauty more than ever before.
He never wanted to have sex with me and we didn't kiss often and that made me feel ugly and unwanted.

I’m a shallow person sometimes and I know for sure I am about looks and that makes me feel worse about myself in some way because I know pretty people and they aren't pretty all the time.

So for someone like me who isn’t society's version of pretty, or sexy. How often do people look at a and think that's not a

very attractive face when I'm just reading or concentrating or doing anything.

Like they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, even if isn't verbal people will still think your pretty, cute, and sexy. Maybe not who you want to at the time.
That just means that they aren't the right person for you.

If no one has told you this today. YOU are pretty, YOU are cute, and YOU are sexy.

"What are you afraid of?"

"What are you afraid of?" What am I afraid of? Everything. Everyone. There isn't one thing that I am afraid of its many things. Things that make too much sense and things that make none at all. I can't walk down the street without being terrified. A small thing could happen, then suddenly I'm trying to hold back tears. Like someone could drive by too fast, or too slow. I could see someone walking towards me, or hear someone walking behind me. Why does that terrify me? I don't know why. It's just always there.

I count when I walk. I then get distracted and I lose count and it bothers me so much I feel like I'm going insane, but I keep walking with this horrible feeling that I can't explain. I get this feeling when I can't concentrate as well, which is all the time. I have A.D.D (Attention Defect Disorder). I can never concentrate. I was doing a test at school and I was in this small room doing my math final. I can't sit still, and I hate being alone in a small room trying to concentrate on one thing when I can't concentrate in general.

Fear is always there. Push through it and I promise everything will be fine. Sometimes fear hurts. Sometimes fear isn't as bad as it seems. If you live your life in fear it will rule over you like a dark cloud. Fear isn't a bad thing. It stops us from doing things we shouldn't.  It can also stop us from things we should do. Find out what the things you should fear are and face all your other fears.