I was raped.

I was raped. I was thinking sexual thoughts about my boyfriend. When I thought about making love to him I flashed back to the rapist on top of me. My legs unable to move as he tried to force his penis inside of me. Then sticking his fingers inside of me as I am helpless and unable to move. I remember thinking let's just get this over with. So I told him to move and I put my legs in the air. He tried again. I got up and said, "I don't want too." He left my head a mess. I didn't let it get violent. I was drunk and high. I knew I couldn't defend myself. I have spiraled into a deep depression. For weeks. I hardly leave my apartment. I have become suicidal. Very suicidal. Every night I think about dying. I don't want to talk to anyone about it. It's embarrassing. It wasn't my fault. I didn't want it. I said I didn't want to.