Goodnight... I love you

Goodnight, I love you… I didn’t get to say that so here. Goodnight and I love you. I lied I’m very tired. I need good sleep but even if I go to bed early it doesn’t do anything. But I was going to go to bed soon but you hung up on me. I just wanted to talk for a little after you were done with your friends. I wanted to hear you say goodnight and I love you. But you hung up on me. I cried when you said “but we should go to bed now” because I wanted to hear you say goodnight I love you. That’s all; I would have gone to bed after because I’m exhausted. It's not like staying up late doesn’t do anything to me. Yes, I know I say I don’t want you to go to bed, and it's true. I don’t want you to go to bed because at night you seem to open up and actually talk to me. We also have really good conversations. I am sorry I keep you up so late. But you don’t really talk to me any other time. I just wanted to hear you say “goodnight I love you baby” and I wanted to say it back. But I won't call this time. I will pretend I don’t care because it seems like you don’t. So I won't. Goodnight I love you. You will never see this… Unless you visit my blog, I bet you won't.

I called you… I said I wouldn’t but I did. Apparently, I can’t go to sleep unless I hear you say goodnight. I can but it’s hard. God… I just want to hear you say goodnight. Is that too much to ask for? I’m not going to do the exact same thing every night. I know you need sleep. You don’t need to tell me that you do. I’m not a child! I have a plan to start going to bed at 11:00 pm. You wouldn’t know this because we hardly talked yesterday or today. You were feeling really sick yesterday and I wanted to help. You were watching a movie so I left you alone. Then we didn’t talk.

I called again because I wanted to leave you a messaged. I couldn’t do it. It’s weird, right? We have only been dating for a couple of months. It feels a lot longer, but nope just about 2 months. The last time I dated someone this long was my cheating ex and we were an on and off, couple. You can probably understand my fear in how long it has lasted. Are you cheating on me too? Are you just better at hiding it? I really hope not. I trust you. I think I do at least. It’s hard for me to trust anyone and I don’t really know why. Or maybe I do. I’m not sure. It could have been my lying ex-boyfriends or my lying ex-friends or really anything. I get lied to a lot. Probably less then I think I do but still.

You know I don’t really like feelings. I don’t like any kind of feeling to be honest. I would rather not have feelings. Yes, there are good feelings but I don’t care for those either because a lot of people will see that you are happy and they won't like it because they aren’t happy. Usually, when I feel sad or mad because of something my significant other has done, I will break up with them. Or at least try to. I haven’t done that with you yet, though. You know how I say, “then you will break up with me” or things along those lines. That’s something I do because I’m terrified that you will break up with me. People say it sounds like I want you to but I don’t. Sometimes I think about breaking up with you to put you out of your misery, or to save myself from getting hurt again. I think to myself “is he worth feeling this way for?” and the truth is that you are. When I’ve asked myself about all the other guys it's always a no. They weren’t worth it. But you are. Even if you cheated on me and we broke up. I would take you back in a heartbeat. I know you couldn’t say the same but I would. I love you too much to just watch you leave.

Anyway, I’m exhausted. I need to get up at seven tomorrow to get ready for school and do all the things I need to do in the morning. So goodnight I love you. I wish I could hear you say it back to me. Goodnight my love, sleep well.